Why My Future Kids Won’t Be Watching "Finding Nemo"

Don’t get me wrong. I am possibly the biggest Pixar fan out there. In fact my sibs and I have a tradition, at least two of us have been to see every Pixar film in theaters when it first came out. I have always been one of those two. (right) This however is my least favorite due to its negative effect on children.
Maybe it was because when it came out I was of prime babysitting age and every single kid I watched wanted to see that little orange fish and his whiny plight over and over again. I think this movie would have been interesting if if was mainly about the tank fish trying to escape. They were all a funny motley crew.
Well here are my reasons for not wanting to show the film to my future progeny:

1. He is not wearing any clothes. I mean come on at least the fish in Spongebob Squarepants (which is a far superior nautical themed show) had the common decency to wear at least one article of clothing, well, most of the time that is.

This is a kids’ show

2. He is whiny.

His chubby little face fills me with such hatred

3. The mom dies. I mean come on this happens in a lot of films, especially animal ones. When Mufasa died you cared because you got to know him. Same with Bambi’s mom. Here we weren’t even prepared.

4. I am convinced Marlin met Coral in a fish bar. Featuring a lame fish pick up line. Why do we learn about the Fish dating scene in a kids’ film? Toys dating is perfectly ok though. Also monsters on a date is fine because they are eating sushi.

5. This movie is in my quoting repertoire. I say lines from it nearly as much as Aladdin. This concerns me.

6. The emotional core of this film is Dory. She is awesome and funny. She has passed the “Jar Jar Test” in that she survived the test of time. Also I like the Sea Turtle. These are the good points for the film. Marlin and his child I could care less about.

7. Alcoholics Anonymous sharks.

8. The scene where he says “I hate you,” to his dad. Other rebel Disney children never went that far.

9. This movie follows all of the marks of an epic quest. They go through challenges. This is a cool thing that you realize when you learn about it in your literature class in college.

10. Cuteness overload.

Again a face that fills me with ire

11. A better switch ending suggested by my brother is where Nemo ends up in in the “Les Poissons” kitchen.

Disclaimer. This is a satire. While I do not care for much of this film I still think it is better than some of the disposable children’s fare out there. I am looking at you Madagascar films. 

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