What Your Favorite Disney Dude Says About You Part 3

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And we are back Humans! By popular demand! I consulted my sources and have more animated dudes for you to analyze your life choices by. And for those of you that are more interested in those of the female persuasion, I may be cooking up something for you so stay tuned.

Kristoff

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Need some ice towed or a fun wedding date? I’m your guy. 

If you like Kristoff you fall into one of three categories: people who follow lumbersexual accounts on Instagram, people who follow the Jonathan Groff’s Bike Helmet account on Instagram, or people who follow both of these Instagram accounts. You like rosy cheeks. You’re into the boy next door mountain man type you can bring to dinner at your parents’ house. You enjoy sarcasm, loyalty, and musical theater. You like a man who’s just as loyal to his pets/buddies as he is to you. You may have watched the Groffsauce and Lin-Manuel Miranda friendship video on youtube more times than should be allowed.

 

Hans 

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My sideburns are very deceiving

You fall for false advertising all the time. You still have The Perfect Pancake, Hairdini, and Turbie Towel. You’re also just a sucker for a well coiffed man with deceivingly sincere eyebrows and ginger freckles. Come on Disney why is the ginger evil? You probably just really also like musical theater and watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend so you can see Santino Fontana being not-evil. (Seriously if you haven’t yet, watch that show. It’s on Netflix, you have no choice).

Gaston 

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Which way is the gym brah? Cross-fit? 

You date bro-dudes who like to get swole at the gym, do cross-fit, drink brotein shakes, and are super misogynist to you. Your house is covered in empty beer tankards and those stupid bro-tanks with the sides cut open. (Also probably some super deep v-neck tees). You actually enjoy the patriarchy for some reason. You probably look like one of the bimbettes who faint in his presence in the movie. Honey, you need help.

Lumiere

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Doing the eyebrow raise like I invented it. 

You like Don Juan types and bisexual candlesticks who turn back into a stereotypical Frenchman by the end of the movie I guess. You’re a foodie and enjoy dinner theater. You spent a summer abroad in Paris and Lumiere reminds you of the men there apparently. Your go-to Halloween costume is French maid. But in the most culturally sensitive way possible because you did study abroad there. You only serve Bordeaux wine at your parties and are an expert wino.

Hercules 

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Actual Precious Cinnamon Roll

You were a Classical Studies/Mythology major in college. You’re super into Greek and other types of mythology and you love this movie despite its inaccuracies. You appreciate a man who doesn’t skip leg day but also is utterly devoted to you. Herc is a redhead with nice Greek youth curls and that killer smile that gets you every time. Just throwing this out there but you probably also enjoy the acting style of Andrew Rannells.

Jake (From Rescuers Down Under)

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Heart = melted 

You are into the rugged, outdoorsy, hiking, and crocodile wrestling type. Growing up, you watched a lot of shows like Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures, Kratt’s Creatures and Steve Erwin: Crocodile Hunter. You’re a sucker for an accent and like the Hemsworths and Hugh Jackman. Your dream job is to work at a zoo. You and your ideal mate both rock those khaki shorts like nobody’s business.

Fix It Felix Jr.

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I knock Maxwell’s Silver Hammer out of the park. 

You love a good handyman and watch a lot of HGTV, Property Brothers in particular. You’re looking for someone good-natured, helpful, and willing to help you build your dream home in Napa Valley. You also just really enjoy 30 Rock, Martin Freeman, and fun-sized guys. You probably own a pair of Timberlands.

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