Archive

Disney

men-classic-disney-27965999-900-450

And we are back Humans! By popular demand! I consulted my sources and have more animated dudes for you to analyze your life choices by. And for those of you that are more interested in those of the female persuasion, I may be cooking up something for you so stay tuned.

Kristoff

31077610-bd08-0131-da74-2eac3dab70d9

Need some ice towed or a fun wedding date? I’m your guy. 

If you like Kristoff you fall into one of three categories: people who follow lumbersexual accounts on Instagram, people who follow the Jonathan Groff’s Bike Helmet account on Instagram, or people who follow both of these Instagram accounts. You like rosy cheeks. You’re into the boy next door mountain man type you can bring to dinner at your parents’ house. You enjoy sarcasm, loyalty, and musical theater. You like a man who’s just as loyal to his pets/buddies as he is to you. You may have watched the Groffsauce and Lin-Manuel Miranda friendship video on youtube more times than should be allowed.

 

Hans 

vlcsnap-2014-03-31-11h12m57s95

My sideburns are very deceiving

You fall for false advertising all the time. You still have The Perfect Pancake, Hairdini, and Turbie Towel. You’re also just a sucker for a well coiffed man with deceivingly sincere eyebrows and ginger freckles. Come on Disney why is the ginger evil? You probably just really also like musical theater and watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend so you can see Santino Fontana being not-evil. (Seriously if you haven’t yet, watch that show. It’s on Netflix, you have no choice).

Gaston 

beauty-and-the-beast-gaston

Which way is the gym brah? Cross-fit? 

You date bro-dudes who like to get swole at the gym, do cross-fit, drink brotein shakes, and are super misogynist to you. Your house is covered in empty beer tankards and those stupid bro-tanks with the sides cut open. (Also probably some super deep v-neck tees). You actually enjoy the patriarchy for some reason. You probably look like one of the bimbettes who faint in his presence in the movie. Honey, you need help.

Lumiere

beauty-beast-2017-lumiere-ewan-mcgregor

Doing the eyebrow raise like I invented it. 

You like Don Juan types and bisexual candlesticks who turn back into a stereotypical Frenchman by the end of the movie I guess. You’re a foodie and enjoy dinner theater. You spent a summer abroad in Paris and Lumiere reminds you of the men there apparently. Your go-to Halloween costume is French maid. But in the most culturally sensitive way possible because you did study abroad there. You only serve Bordeaux wine at your parties and are an expert wino.

Hercules 

3856963-3546924372-hercu

Actual Precious Cinnamon Roll

You were a Classical Studies/Mythology major in college. You’re super into Greek and other types of mythology and you love this movie despite its inaccuracies. You appreciate a man who doesn’t skip leg day but also is utterly devoted to you. Herc is a redhead with nice Greek youth curls and that killer smile that gets you every time. Just throwing this out there but you probably also enjoy the acting style of Andrew Rannells.

Jake (From Rescuers Down Under)

tumblr_mtvj07ojjx1r3s1swo5_500

Heart = melted 

You are into the rugged, outdoorsy, hiking, and crocodile wrestling type. Growing up, you watched a lot of shows like Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures, Kratt’s Creatures and Steve Erwin: Crocodile Hunter. You’re a sucker for an accent and like the Hemsworths and Hugh Jackman. Your dream job is to work at a zoo. You and your ideal mate both rock those khaki shorts like nobody’s business.

Fix It Felix Jr.

fix-it-felix-jr-pic-jpeg

I knock Maxwell’s Silver Hammer out of the park. 

You love a good handyman and watch a lot of HGTV, Property Brothers in particular. You’re looking for someone good-natured, helpful, and willing to help you build your dream home in Napa Valley. You also just really enjoy 30 Rock, Martin Freeman, and fun-sized guys. You probably own a pair of Timberlands.

There are plenty of Disney Dudes I didn’t cover in my previous post so here we go.

481152_1286187674520_450_300

My chin could cut glass.

Kronk.

Let me just say, can I be your friend? If he is your favorite then you are possibly the coolest person ever and have excellent taste in men because Kronk is the ideal guy. Clearly you enjoy funny men with a sense of humor and interesting hobbies like playing exotic bird bingo and speaking squirrel. You enjoy a big strong guy who can make a great dinner and help you whip up that dish to pass on your way to the family barbecue. You’re looking for a good life partner and Kronk is the perfect choice. Just don’t ask him to mix the drinks.

peterpan

I wear tights, can fly and have a fairy friend whom I have placed permanently in the friend-zone. Such great boyfriend material.

Then again I do look pretty cool while sword-fighting. I'm like Jim Hawkins if he could fly.

Then again I do look pretty cool while sword-fighting. I’m like Jim Hawkins if he could fly

Peter Pan

You might have some dating issues on the horizon if not already. I guess he would make a good 12 year old crush but from an adult stand point? NO. Be honest with yourself, he doesn’t want to grow up. You clearly are interested in man-children who want to pal around in the woods with their bros and play video games or go larping in animal suits. You probably think Judd Apatow movies are about your life. You are ok with leggings as pants worn by any gender, clearly.

tumblr_inline_mqof5rzfM41qz4rgp

Taking my art seriously. Basically the original hipster.

Roger

You go for the musician, artist type. Your favorite actor is probably Jason Segel. You enjoy gangly adorkable guys who are super into their craft but also super into you and your pets. You believe in love at first my dog literally set us up on a date. And you are ok when your significant other writes a song about how your old school friend is evil. Although how you did not realize this on your own is baffling.

Dedication.

Dedication personified.

Guy from Paperman

This guy is Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, Jim Halpert, and Roger all rolled into one goofy package. He’s adorkable. He does everything to reconnect with the cute girl he fell for at the train. He’s the American ideal. You probably saw this short film before “Wreck-It Ralph” which means you haven’t given up hope on Disney films after “Princess and the Frog.” You probably grew up during the Disney Renaissance and still remember what Disney magic is like. This short film made you realize that magic wasn’t gone. Can we be friends?

I'm getting kinda fond of you kid.

I’m getting kinda fond of you kid.

Genie from Aladdin

You enjoy blue people and 90s comedians so you probably also have a crush on Megamind. You enjoy puns and celebrity impersonations. You think it is perfectly acceptable to wear Hawaiian shirts even when not on vacation or on the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You like your men to be able to provide you with every wish and flight of fancy you have as long as they love you for you and not because of a magic spell.

Boring capitalist. You can still find guys like me at upscale bars.

Boring capitalist. You can still find guys like me at upscale bars.

John Smith

You like beautiful people darn it and you don’t care if they’re racist or played by Mel Gibson. You don’t care if your boyfriends and potential love interests have any original thoughts. You are perfectly okay that they are a product of a controlling colonizing government who speak in buzzwords and phrases. You don’t care if they want to shoot every animal that walks if it looks unfamiliar to them. You probably thought Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad was a jolly good time. The horror.

Let's get down to business.

Let’s get down to business.

Li Shang

You don’t like messing around and you want to get down to business to defeat the huns. You enjoy when guys take things like training their army seriously. So you like guys who work hard. You also probably enjoy singing show tunes as if you suddenly had the voice of Donny Osmond. Your favorite Shakespeare play is Twelfth Night.

Dumbo. What are some things that come to mind? Cute, flying, baby elephant, TAKEN AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER. This movie is more traumatizing than Bambi, but not just because of the mom thing. Let’s take a look.

Image

I’m adorable. Be prepared to watch everything in my life go down the tubes.

Plot-wise, baby Dumbo is born (who names their child that btw?) everyone thinks he is totes adorbs until he sneezes and it’s revealed he has big ears. So he and his mother are shunned from circus elephant society. Alrighty then, pretty harsh.

Side-note here that has always bugged me as I was a child who researched animals constantly. Our home-boy Dumbo is a different species of elephant. His ears make him an African elephant, while the smaller ears of his mom and the other mean elephant ladies make them Indian elephants. So he’s a mixed race elephant? Where is his dad? These are questions I ask that the movie NEVER ANSWERS.

Image

African elephant. Note the build and the ear size. Dumbo’s dad probably looked like this.

Image

Indian elephant. Notice her ears and build, which is a lot like Dumbo’s mom.

An annoying song happens. Then a creepy song.

More racism happens, the circus workers have no faces.

Image

They made this movie so cheaply they didn’t have time to give us faces and identities.

Image

More racism. Here is exhibited an evil ginger.

Then this wonderful child from the planet obnoxiousia teases Dumbo. This kid and his posse has always irked me. Where are his parents? Then Dumbo’s mom is locked away for attacking the kid. As an adult this makes sense. Even though the kid deserved it. Also it serves as an argument against keeping animals in circuses. Don’t do it. Seriously where is the Sarah Mclachlan commercial for elephant cruelty?

Then Dumbo is left alone and the ADULT female elephants create a living hell for him. Not to mention the clowns and other circus workers. Seriously everyone in this film is awful for no reason.

Image

This movie even depresses me.

Dumbo makes friends with an annoying Mickey Mouse stand-in named Timothy who basically is Dumbo’s voice. He takes Dumbo to see his mom and a sappy song plays. Then more crummy stuff happens. Dumbo takes a bath and Timothy natters on about life. Then the drunk circus workers drop some booze into Dumbo’s bath. He and Tim go through a trippy dream sequence that basically says hey we intoxicated a child elephant and a mouse in a children’s film.

Image

Fine family viewing.

He wakes up in a tree and learns he can fly from another group of unfortunate racial stereotypes. Basically Disney is telling us we can learn of crazy illogical hidden abilities when we are drunk. I’ll let that sink in for you.

Image

Disney has come out and said that these guys were not intended to be racist. So there’s that.

Side note: Disney is always trying to tell us we can fly. Peter Pan much? Mary Poppins defied gravity on a regular basis.

In the end he’s reunited with his mom and learns to believe in himself like the main character at the end of all movies.

What fresh hell is this movie? It was animated super cheaply since the studio had lost a lot of money on Pinocchio and Fantasia. World War II was going on, so I guess that explains a lot. It did somehow make a lot of money for them. I do not understand. This movie is traumatizing. Watch at your own risk.

I use the term “Disney Dude” in order to include those of the non-Prince variety because why not.

Disclaimer: No squawking if I forgot to include your favorite Disney dude. There are many points of view. This happens to be mine. 

Beast/the guy he turned into allegedly known as ‘Prince Adam’

Image

Even though I live in France, I had to be taught how to dress nicely.

Image

“Belle, it’s me.” No. You were definitely not a Fabio-haired quasi-ginger before. WTH.

You read Jane Austen novels, and basically you read everything. Maybe you’ve never read anything by Freud. You like projects and teaching people things. Your friends, like your music taste, are eclectic. Your childhood crushes were the Hanson brothers. (because hair).

Basil of Baker Street

Image

Look at that eyebrow raise. See me rock my smoking jacket while holding a gun.

You watch Sherlock and are obsessed with Benedict Cumberbatch. Yes I know it’s obvious but true. You also probably have an English degree and have yet to successfully get your students to understand the term “Male Quest Romance.”

Prince Eric

Image

I’m a nice guy. Look at my bushy eyebrows.

You like boats. And had a crush on the stable boy where you took riding lessons. You want to have a boyfriend to go dancing with in random public squares, and you probably would run through a fountain for no reason. Your other favorite movie is 500 Days of Summer. If Prince Eric were real we all know he would be a mythical architect.

Aladdin

Image

Smirk, eyebrows, and bread? All adds up to one handsome guy.

You grew up in the 90s. You enjoy smirking and were the one in high school who said they liked ‘bad boys’ but didn’t really act upon it at all. You’ve tried to rock harem pants at least once in your life. You go to music festivals in the hopes of meeting smirking vest wearing men and are successful in such endeavors. You marry one and honeymoon in exotic locations and carpet your dining room with a tasseled rug.

Image

Fabulous kissy-lipped singing is my specialty.

Prince in Snow White

You have some issues if you like men that sing and wear lipstick. You were probably in musical theater in high school and performance arts in college. You have tried to make ‘fetch’ happen. You enjoy hats. You like the fashions of the 1930s.

Image

I walk on the wild side and laugh in the face of danger. My eyebrows tell you so.

Simba

Image

So beautiful and deep as I stare meaningfully into the rain.

Again probably a 90s child. You also watched a lot of Home Improvement and had a crush on Johnathan Taylor Thomas. You like sketching animals. In college you crushed on your friend who played Hamlet in your Shakespeare class. Basically you liked everyone in honors classes who also wanted to go on adventures with you. And you watch a lot of Matthew Broderick movies.

Image

So over all this.

Prince Charming from Cinderella

You enjoy shoes. You aspire to be the next Martha Stewart and are a social climber. You don’t care if you marry someone boring. Ah ha ha.

Image

Robin Hood gave me all his red clothes.

Prince Philip

You like guys who slay metaphorical dragons, aka soldiers, firemen, and astronauts. You also probably liked Luke Skywalker as a child. You are perfectly ok with dancing with random strangers you meet and then running away out of nowhere but running back to give them your phone number. You like Ryan Reynolds.

Image

I’m so dreamy with my man chin and ukulele skills.

Image

I’m suave and manly even as a frog. Just look at my eyebrows. Also I have teeth for some reason.

Prince Naveen

Image

So French and eyebrow-y.

You still watch Oprah. You enjoy committees. You also enjoyed Pepe Le Pew cartoons as a child for some reason. Because let’s be honest Naveen is Pepe in human form. And you like the ukulele

Image

I am the Aladdin of my generation. Eyebrows and smirk? Check. Now all I need is bread.

Flynn Rider

You are part of the 30% of people who watch(ed) Chuck. You appreciate adorkableness combined with devilishly handsome antics. Honestly you just want to date Zachary Levi, please?

Image

Look how adorably foxy I am even when I fall into my laundry basket.

Robin Hood

You enjoy Errol Flynn movies and The Princess Bride. You use the term “Foxy” un-ironically to describe someone’s attractiveness. You know either fencing or archery. You like your men scruffy-looking with the potential to be a nerf-herder. And your favorite Wes Anderson movie is Fantastic Mr. Fox.

Image

Yeah, I do the eyebrow thing too while I hang out in the mud with my oracular pig.

Taran

You’re so hipster you haven’t even heard of you. You enjoy Medieval Grunge movies and reading obscure high fantasy novels. You own all the Zelda games. You gripe about the film version of The Two Towers. You watch Game of Thrones because of course you do.

Image

I kind of look like Jesus. A real wild man would definitely not look this clean.

Tarzan

You enjoy nature and majored in Biology or anthropology in college. One of your role models is Jane Goodall and other “live in nature” folks. Your favorite band is Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes and your friends labeled you a hippie in high school. You like guys who are “deep” and look at you with intense eye-looks.

Don’t get me wrong. I am possibly the biggest Pixar fan out there. In fact my sibs and I have a tradition, at least two of us have been to see every Pixar film in theaters when it first came out. I have always been one of those two. (right) This however is my least favorite due to its negative effect on children.
Maybe it was because when it came out I was of prime babysitting age and every single kid I watched wanted to see that little orange fish and his whiny plight over and over again. I think this movie would have been interesting if if was mainly about the tank fish trying to escape. They were all a funny motley crew.
Well here are my reasons for not wanting to show the film to my future progeny:

1. He is not wearing any clothes. I mean come on at least the fish in Spongebob Squarepants (which is a far superior nautical themed show) had the common decency to wear at least one article of clothing, well, most of the time that is.

This is a kids’ show

2. He is whiny.

His chubby little face fills me with such hatred

3. The mom dies. I mean come on this happens in a lot of films, especially animal ones. When Mufasa died you cared because you got to know him. Same with Bambi’s mom. Here we weren’t even prepared.

4. I am convinced Marlin met Coral in a fish bar. Featuring a lame fish pick up line. Why do we learn about the Fish dating scene in a kids’ film? Toys dating is perfectly ok though. Also monsters on a date is fine because they are eating sushi.

5. This movie is in my quoting repertoire. I say lines from it nearly as much as Aladdin. This concerns me.

6. The emotional core of this film is Dory. She is awesome and funny. She has passed the “Jar Jar Test” in that she survived the test of time. Also I like the Sea Turtle. These are the good points for the film. Marlin and his child I could care less about.

7. Alcoholics Anonymous sharks.

8. The scene where he says “I hate you,” to his dad. Other rebel Disney children never went that far.

9. This movie follows all of the marks of an epic quest. They go through challenges. This is a cool thing that you realize when you learn about it in your literature class in college.

10. Cuteness overload.

Again a face that fills me with ire

11. A better switch ending suggested by my brother is where Nemo ends up in in the “Les Poissons” kitchen.

Disclaimer. This is a satire. While I do not care for much of this film I still think it is better than some of the disposable children’s fare out there. I am looking at you Madagascar films.