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It’s time for a new installment here: Pixar Chick Fridays! (Which became Saturday this week because my wifi is a fickle mistress). We’ve already been psychoanalyzing everyone based on male Disney characters, it’s time to trot out the ladies. Why Pixar you ask? The Disney princesses thing has been done to death on the internet. Do a lot of Pixar films fail the Bechdel test? Yes. Which is unfortunate because many of the ladies in these films are pretty compelling.

Jessie

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A bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. 

You’re into strong-willed redheads and lets be honest who isn’t? Also you love that cowgirl look and adventurous spirit. You like your women with sad emotionally nuanced backstories. Additionally you love a good wacky sense of humor.

Honestly, Jessie is the Pixar character I most identify with: gangly weirdo.

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When you see your favorite people

Bo Peep

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So porcelain and shiny

You go for woman who knows what she wants and reaches out and grabs it. Don’t let the femme pink floof fool you, this is the kind of woman full of confidence, kindness, and some adorable pets. Annie Potts is your favorite part of Ghostbusters and Pretty in Pink.

Princess Atta

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The men in this film baffle me.

Your favorite TV shows are Veep and Seinfeld. You like a woman with neuroses and sass. This chick put the dork in adorkable before New Girl was a thing. You go for giant blue eyes that judge your behavior when you mess up. And trust me, you will mess up. Most of all you love ladies in positions of power in a matriarchal society.

Celia

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Sushi anyone? 

You like purple and your favorite mythology character is Medusa. You like taking your dates to hard to get into sushi restaurants and love a lady who is impressed by this. You love a good New York accent and a girl who knows what she wants.

Rosie 

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I definitely have some stories about my past lives.

You aren’t afraid of a woman who could kill you if she wanted to. You enjoy vaguely goth ladies with legs for days. You enjoy the films of Bonnie Hunt. All of them, even Cheaper by the Dozen, because she’s a classy lady with a great voice. You appreciate a woman who does not suffer fools.

 

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ElastiGirl/Helen Parr

 

You like snarky redheads who age into gorgeous auburn haired women with a mom cut. You like women who can handle themselves in any situation that comes their way and do it with both attitude and class. You enjoy Mama Bear types, because do not cross this one when it comes to the people she cares about. Helen is #goals. Always marry Elastigirl.

Violet

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Are we having Tony-Loaf?

You go for the seemingly shy wallflower types who are actually full of depth and sarcasm. You own a lot of Sarah Vowell books. Your favorite actress is Aubrey Plaza. You also enjoy women who have a hidden weirdo side. You love Olivia Olson and Marceline the Vampire Queen.

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Generic Teen interests 2004 edition.

 

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So Buzzfeed posted this list last week about songs you will remember if you were in college from 2007-2011. This is my milieu, but as ridiculously specific Buzzfeed has become I could not relate to this pop chart list. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some hipster hater, I remember all of these songs, especially Lady Gaga. (Because I hated her at the time, now I think she’s cool but it’s not like I want to go pick out curtains or anything). What I’m saying is they did not evoke fond warm college memories for me. I really think your musical journey is your own, especially in college, and if you were just listening to whatever happened to be release during those four years, well I feel bad for you. We live in an age where it is so easy to find and explore music that is new to you. I think finding music that speaks to you especially during the college years is such a beautiful and profound journey every young person should go through.

So without further ado, I bring you my influential college musical finds. Some of them came out when I was in college, others did not, but I discovered them at this time.

Freshman year:

My musical taste at this point kind of sounded like a cross between music you’d hear in an American Eagle Outfitters and Apple Commercials. Basically late 00’s alt/indie rock. I was really into Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, The Killers, Metric, Ok Go, Hot Hot Heat, Weezer, Relient K, and Tegan and Sara. (see links for notable songs by these artists).

Then my life changed when I heard 1234 by Feist on an apple commercial and watched the music video and discovered the rest of the album. I remember singing it on the way to take my French final. During the Winter semester of that year was when my musical life changed again. I saw Juno and immediately purchased the soundtrack. Discovering Kimya Dawon, The Moldy Peaches, and more importantly Belle and Sebastian.

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Ellen Page slayed in this film

The winter of 08 was also when Vampire Weekend’s first titular album came out and my life changed forever. Literate Indie rock with afro-pop influences? FOREVER YES. That whole first album was amazing. As an English major, I do give a f*** about an Oxford Comma. Pretty sure Ezra Koenig does too, considering he was an English teacher before the band took off.

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Baby Ezra Koenig you made my life

Sophomore Year:

This Fall was when my 80s New Wave phase began. I was listening to a lot of Tears for Fears, Echo and the Bunnymen, Flock of Seagulls, and Modern English.

It was also when The Killers album Day and Age came out. The single from that album was Human, and it made all us indie rockers wonder whether we were human or are we dancer. Stylistically and musically, this album fit nicely in with my new wave phase. I also remember listening to the Sawdust album by the Killers a lot during this time. Tranquilize featuring Lou Reed was my favorite on that album.

 

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Brandon Flowers was rocking feathers before the all the indie basics at Coachella

That spring I got super into Arcade Fire, MGMT, Chairlift, The Fruitbats, and the Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist Soundtrack.

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Kat Dennings slayed in this. Proving that Michael Cera will be upstaged by every woman who is in a film with him.

Junior Year:

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JGL and Zooey slayed equally in this film.

This was the definitive year where I really started to become the person I am today musically. I was super into Peter, Bjorn and John particularly the Writer’s Block album, the 500 Days of Summer Soundtrack, Simon and GarfunkelBon Iver, She & HimFleet Foxes, Passion Pit, …and SUFJAN STEVENS. Sufjan is very important. He is the core of my musical taste.

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Perfect Indie Dreamboat. Usually seen with a banjo. 

Winter 2k10 was when Vampire Weekend’s second album, Contra, came out. I got very into Belle and Sebastian, particular 90s Belle and Sebastian and then the Write About Love album that came out that year, and Grizzly Bear at this time too.

Remember Hipster Runoff? The site where Carles talked about relevant indie buzzbands? Well the site was bought last year, so I can’t link to it, but I remember reading that site a lot because they skewered a lot of indie music culture in funny and relevant ways. I remember there was a post about who was the best indie dreamboat, Sufjan Stevens or Ezra Koenig. I kid you not. Maybe there were a couple other guys in there but I remember it because I was like yes! I can’t decide either!

The choice is up to you. But now I’d have to say Ezra, he rocks a nice sweater while Sufjan prefers that bro-dude look. Ezra would also be able to have a normal conversation and talk about books with you. Sufjan probably would make you tea and then forget he made it because he was busy crocheting and hiding from the world.

Senior Year:

This was the year I got really into Bowie, I started off with the Best of Bowie album and took off from there. I also finally got around to seeing the movie Once and became obsessed with the soundtrack. Sufjan released two albums that year The Age of Adz and All Delighted People. I was obsessed with both. I enjoyed the Scott Pilgrim movie soundtrack, once again where Michael Cera was upstaged by everyone else in the film. Metric did a great song on there for the fictional Clash at Demonhead. I also had my Radiohead phase at this time.

Arcade Fire released Suburbs and won a Grammy for it, much to the chagrin of the internet Twidiots. Iron and Wine’s Kiss Each Other Clean came out, I saw them live on my last day of classes and it was glorious. Right after I graduated, Fleet Foxes released Helplessness Blues, the perfect album for my post-grad ennui.

There you have it. My musical road through my undergraduate collegiate years.

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Last week while substitute teaching, I watched Finding Nemo in German  (Findet Nemo!). Boy, it had been an awfully long time since I had seen that movie. I had forgotten a lot of it and how it’s basically The Odyssey for kids. With Fish! In Australia! Yay! But really, it got me thinking of Pixar films as a whole and how I would rate them, especially now since there are a lot of them and more coming soon. The Good Dinosaur comes out next year, followed by Finding Dory, and the promise of a sequel to The Incredibles (yay!) and another Cars sequel (nay).

So without further ado here is my list.

1. Wall-E. I love the hell out of this little robot guy. While this film is very different from the usual Pixar fare, it is in my opinion the most artistic, the most risk-taking, and the most beautiful and heart-felt of all of them. Only Pixar could make us care about a love story between two robots. I also like the post-apocalyptic nature of the story. It’s kind of a futuristic re-imagining of the Noah story, Eve is the white dove who brings back the olive-branch. Humanity re-populates the earth, etc. It’s just such a beautiful film.

2. The Toy Story films, collectively. These three films are Pixar’s masterpiece. This is the heart of Pixar, the first Toy Story is the one that started it all and I have such fond memories of it growing up. The trilogy grew with that first audience and even kids who weren’t alive to see this first one in theaters still enjoy it. The heart of Pixar is friendship and family and the bonds we form with others. Toy Story taught us to value that.

3. The Incredibles. One of the funnest, most hilarious Pixar films of all. I also wanted to be Elasta-girl when I first saw this movie when it came out. Really she is the ideal strong fantastic female role model. She does it all! And has fabulous hair while she does it. (Forget about Merida, but more on that later).

4. Monsters Inc. Everyone loves this movie. Mike and Sully have probably the best Pixar bromance since Buzz and Woody. This movie is the most quoted by my sibs and I. Seriously it scares me how much I have memorized of this film. This one ranks high because of the nostalgia vote.

5. Ratatouille. This film ranks in the weird/artsy era of Pixar. It has a unique charm and is so darn French. I just love it. The concept is super weird but yet it follows its own bizarre logic so well it becomes endearing.

6. Up. Don’t squawk that I ranked this so low. Yes it is a charming story and beautifully animated. But at the same time I think it was over-hyped as super artsy quasi-hipster fare. It still ranks above and beyond most animated schlock that gets made these days, but it just doesn’t live up to the hype for me. And way too many hipstery photo-shoots are all over Pinterest because of it.

7. Finding Nemo. I’ve posted before my satirical thoughts about this movie. And I do still think it’s scary and super emotional. But it is also a great story and a well done sort of re-imagining of Homer’s Odyssey but more child friendly and with fish. Not to mention it is beautifully animated like all good Pixar films.

8. A Bug’s Life. Pixar’s sophomore effort has always been underrated in my opinion. While it’s not as grand as many of it’s other films it still holds up in my opinion. It’s very cute, has memorable characters and hilarious dialogue.

9. Brave. This was a film I was supposed to love more than I did. First female protagonist? From a Celtic country? Accurately represents what life with curly hair is like? All things I should love except only the latter is something she succeeded in doing for me. Merida was supposed to be so, so cool. But this film fell flat of it’s potential. I really think it was because the story was re-written after half the animation was done. it could have been such a great fantasy-epic. I would like to have known what this film was before the re-write. That said, the mother-daughter relationship here was very real and heart-warming. Otherwise this movie was basically Brother Bear meets How to Train Your Dragon.

10. Cars. This was cute. The soundtrack wasn’t too bad. It was just cute the first time and maybe it’s just because I enjoy Owen Wilson. The most annoying thing about this movie was Mater. And the fact that it became such a huge marketing ploy for the company it just was so over-commercialized in a confusing way. Much like NASCAR racing.

11. Monsters University. Again, cute. But not amazing in any sense or really living up to the spirit of the original. Some funny inside jokey references to the first film. But really nothing groundbreaking like previous films.

12. Cars 2. The worst piece of dreck to be animated and possible the worst animated film of all time besides late era Don Bluth and most of the other schleck that gets green-lighted these days. (I’m looking at you The Nut Job and Shrek 15: It’s only a matter of time). Let’s take the most annoying thing from the first movie, Mater, and make a film centered around him. Bad form Pixar. Bad form. I thought better of you. This was actually the first Pixar film that made me question their integrity and creative genius. They stooped so low to cash-in on merchandising. My dreams were shattered. But the future looks bright. (Looking forward to you, The Good Dinosaur).

 

 

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        So I saw The Lego Movie last weekend. And I won’t spoil it for anyone but I will say that everything about it is AWESOME. After seeing it I turned to my 19-year-old brother and said, “This is exactly what playing with Legos as kids was like.” And he agreed. Playing with Legos was always super fun and imaginative. And even though I wasn’t the best at building with the bricks or following the instructions. I was pretty good at creating different Mini-fig characters. Part of what I loved about this film was there was a motley crew of characters that the protagonist Emmet teams up with to save the day, much like in earlier films such as Toy Story or The Muppet Movie. The world-building involved in the film was really cool as well. I almost wanted to go home and dig out my old Legos. I’m sure most kids watching it were going to go home and play with their Legos too.

And here we come to my other point in writing. I’ve read a few complaints that The Lego Movie as well as the Lego franchise in general is marketed mainly to boys and short changes girls and the female characters created for them. The review (found here) on the AVClub website has this to say: “Wyldstyle, though confident and talented, often exists to play the foil of Batman (her jerk boyfriend) and Emmet (the object of her mild envy, then affection). And the only other major female character, voiced by Alison Brie, isn’t portrayed as a mini-figure, making Wyldstyle the catchall female protagonist.”

This. Makes. Me. Very. Angry. Maybe Lego failed in most of its toys marketed to girls because it just thought hey let’s make everything pink then girls will like it. Wrong. Girls like playing with normal Legos just as much as boys. I see it as more of a gender-neutral toy since there’s something there for every type of kid regardless of gender. I liked building people and creating stories. My youngest brother liked building castles and houses and backstories for all his characters that lived in them. My middle brother who later on went to a technological university to become an IT guy, enjoyed spending hours building huge sets like the directions said or even creating new things he thought up.

Kids don’t like characters because of their gender. Most children don’t like only characters that are the same gender as them nor do they look for characters to be “role models.” I’m sick of this lens in which we always must see female characters. Can’t they just be characters first why do their personality traits have to be: I am female. We don’t like it when lead character’s traits are: I am a protagonist. So why let the gender of a character get in the way of developing them as an interesting, quirky, FLAWED, person.

My two favorite characters in this film were a lot like the types of lego people I created as a child. Wyldstyle was a lot like the spunky, independent girl lego people I would create. I usually made cool interesting boyfriends for them too. They didn’t have Lego Batman mini-figs when I was a kid, so my main ponytail-sporting horseback-rider girl dated a cargo pants wearing lego named Joe who owned a restaurant. If I recall correctly he basically looked something like a mini-fig version of Ted Mosby. (Which is weird because that show wasn’t even a thing yet).

The other character from the movie I loved was Benny the 1980-something Space Man. I had this figure! And his helmet was broken too. His crazy spastic-ness was much how I played Legos which also caused me break a lot of my brother’s creations on accident.

So what can we take away from all this? Legos are a fun, creativity inducing toy filled with lots of fun made-up and licensed characters. And the movie reflects this. It would also be great if we learned to analyze characters as people first rather than worrying about whether they represent their gender well or not.

Hello nerds. I haven’t written in awhile because I’ve been out living life, kicking butt and taking names. Today I wanted to talk about desert island albums. Everyone always plays the game like what books would you take with you which is cool and challenging for us book nerds (East of Eden, Franny and Zooey, The Sun Also Rises, Anna Karenina, The Princess Bride, BTW).

But what about Music Albums? We live in the days of fast accessible music. We like our easy to access singles that we can put together on a playlist. When was the last time you listened to an album? The WHOLE album without skipping anything. Yeah I know I got you there. I’m not immune to it either. I still buy whole CDs of bands or artists I care about and there are certain ones that I skip around on, but then there are those I love and listen to non-stop. Here they are in no particular order, my top deserted island Albums.

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1. Modern Vampires of the City-Vampire Weekend.

Not only was this my favorite album of 2013, but it might just be my all-time favorite album ever. I love Vampire Weekend, but this is truly their greatest album. I’ve been a fan since the beginning and I feel like they’ve grown along with me. They were my number one in college, pretty sure everyone was listening to them back then because of “A-Punk,” and “Campus.” But the themes here of facing death, disillusionment, youth, young adulthood etc. speak to me now and I feel like they always will in a way. I just love Ezra Koenig’s voice on a lot of the tracks, even when he’s just talking like in “Finger Back.” There is something to be said about every track on this album but the best is by far “Unbelievers.” The beat, the signature ethnic instruments, everything. I just love it. Can’t get enough of it. Marry me Ezzy Koenig?

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2. Helplessness Blues-Fleet Foxes

Oh the Foxes. I love their first album as well but there is just something about Helplessness Blues I can’t get enough of. It came out when I first graduated from undergrad, and I think that might have something to do with it. They really capture the ethos of the young, confused and newly cast into adulthood. They toured around this time too, and I remember being too poor to go see them. The titular song is probably the best, followed by Montezuma, and The Shrine/An Argument. SO much harmonies and loveliness.

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3. For Emma, Forever Ago– Bon Iver

Can’t love you enough Justin Vernon. This album features the classic, perennial, favorite “Skinny Love,” which will always be the perfect song to make you happy and sad at the same time. But the whole album is a lovely classic as a whole. Vernon wrote it alone in a cabin after a bad break-up, therefore making it the ultimate hipster art piece.

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4. Hunky Dory-David Bowie

Probably my favorite Bowie album. I have many. The Man wrote many, he’s just that great and timeless. But this album just gives me crazy chills because I love every minute of it. It was the one album I searched and searched to find so I finally caved and asked for it for Christmas. I wanted to own it physically, unlike many of my other Bowie albums which live on my phone and iTunes account. Hunky Dory also features some of my favorite Bowie songs (a lot of which are featured in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, one of my favorite films): Changes, Oh! You Pretty Things, Life on Mars, and Queen Bitch. I will forever love Bowie, and this will forever be one of the greatest pieces of art I own.

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5. The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars-David Bowie.

Yes I know I have two Bowie albums in a row, what about it? If I’m being completely honest with myself, the album I listened to constantly other than Modern Vampires, was Ziggy. I just really love this album. It’s very glam-rocky and fun and delightful. And it just kind of describes my 2013 somehow. There was a song for everything. And Rock & Roll Suicide is just a comforting reminder that I’m “Not alone,” and that I’m “wonderful.” It was on repeat along with “Better Days,” by Edwarde Sharpe (Whom I love but none of their albums as a whole work for me) when my grandmother passed away. I have my methods of grieving.

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6. Kiss Each Other Clean and Ghost On Ghost-Iron and Wine

I love Sam Beam. I love Iron and Wine. I love all their albums, and I loved seeing them live and probably will see them again this year. These two more recent albums just hold a special place for me. I love Beam’s other albums too, but I just tend to listen to both of these a lot over and over. I really like “Grace for Saints and Ramblers,” “Caught in the Briars,” “Winter Prayers,” “Tree by the River,” and “Walking Far From Home.” Sam Beam has that lovely southern gentleman quality to his singing that is just so great and calming but exciting at the same time.  (Check out his cover of “Fairytale of New York” with Kathleen Edwards and Glen Hansard on Jimmy Fallon).

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7. In the Aeroplane Over the Sea-Neutral Milk Hotel

Let’s just acknowledge that every hipster, 20-something, cool person, dudes I will date, what have you, owns this album because it is the greatest piece of art ever. Every song is great, there are no duds. I am psyched for their reunion tour even though they won’t be coming to Michigan but whatever. If you haven’t listened to them yet, please do, you are missing out.

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8. 10,000 Maniacs MTV Unplugged-10,000 Maniacs

Do you remember when Unplugged albums were a thing? Heck when MTV was about music? If you ask me what the 90s and my childhood sounds like I will not say Brittany Spears or Justin Timberlake. I will say Natalie Merchant. My mom listened to this album a lot when she was cleaning or making dinner so listening to it makes me want meatloaf and to smell Pine-Sol and dust furniture. It’s like I was incepted by this album as a child. But I still listen to it. Did I take it from my mom and copy it to my iTunes without really asking? Yes. Don’t we all wish we could look as fantastic as Natalie Merchant does perching atop a stool singing and wearing black nylons? I think everyone should listen to the 10,000 Maniacs, as a reminder of a time when life was simpler, and you could learn about Jack Kerouac before you were old enough to read stuff by the Beat Generation.

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9. More Adventurous-Rilo Kiley 

Jenny Lewis is the queen. She is like the red-headed sexier Zooey Deschanel. (Whom I love, but sometimes her adorkableness can go too far). I love me some girl rock. Even though there are dudes in the band, Rilo Kiley is kind of girly in the best possible way. I love the rock but also country/rockabilly sound. (The old good kind of country, not this red-neck stuff you hear now). “Portions for Foxes” and “I Never” are my favorites on this album. The Vintage dress shop I go to was playing this album one time I was there. So I associate it with trying on awesome vintage dresses which is always a good feeling.

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10. Begin to Hope-Regina Spektor.

She really can do no wrong and I love all her albums but I especially love this one. So much beauty. “Samson” is one of my all time favorite songs by her (besides “Hero”) It’s just so beautiful and sensual and touching and musically brilliant. Keep making music, Spektor.

Labor Day weekend is upon us. The official closeout of summer and welcoming in the start of school and Autumn. (Although I live in Michigan, which means we will probably have an Indian summer late into September).

At the end of summer I almost always read and/or watch The Last Unicorn. Why? Because it’s perfect for the end of the season. Unicorns in myth often represent spring and the whole story of the Last Unicorn is about the end of something ancient, myth passing away into something new and different but equally good.

The book, by Peter S. Beagle is full of beautiful prose that reads like poetry. It is full of whimsy as well as high mythology which combines the best aspects of all fantasy.

The movie which is animated by Topcraft and directed by Rankin Bass of “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” Heat-miser, and animated “The Hobbit” fame, manages to capture that whimsy and mythos in its adaptation. The animation is really beautiful, even if it looks a little to anime-esque at times

Rejected Sailor Moon characters need apply.

Rejected Sailor Moon characters need apply.

Peter S. Beagle actually provided the screenplay for the film, which is cool, but you can tell at times relies on narrative devices that are great in book form, but seem awkward on screen. (Mia Farrow as The Last Unicorn talks to herself and it’s…..uncomfortable?).

This is how unicorns look. I like that they took inspiration from the medieval unicorn tapestries.

This is how unicorns look. I like that they took inspiration from the medieval unicorn tapestries.

Lovable magicians should always juggle.

Lovable magicians should always juggle.

The plot is that the last unicorn overhears some hunters in her wood talk about her possibly being the last of her kind. Bemused and concerned she sets out to find out if she really is the last. She learns that the Red Bull drove them all into the sea at the ends of the earth.

Red Bull has always driven people to crazed lengths.

Red Bull has always driven people to crazed lengths.

She is joined on her quest by Schmendrick the magician played perfectly by Alan Arkin, a hap-hazard wizard in training and a woman named Molly Grue, who is Captain Cully’s love. Captain Cully is basically a send up to Robin Hood and his merry men except much less merry. Molly is the Mary Magdalene figure in this story and I love her. Linked below is by far the best scene in the film. If you can watch it without crying you are a grinch.

Other characters include King Haggard played by Christopher Lee, fantasy king for our times. And his son Prince Lir played by Jeff Bridges which equals #awesome.

I'm even animated to look like young Jeff Bridges.

I’m even animated to look like young Jeff Bridges.

I enjoy that the unicorn is female. It opens up to a different interpretation of the unicorn mythos. Traditionally, in most literature and fairy tales (outside of My Little Pony), unicorns are portrayed as male. The medieval male unicorn curing the water of poison, appearing only to virgins only to be hunted down, killed and resurrected. He was supposed to be a Christ figure. Which is cool, I can dig that. However, why not a female unicorn? They represent beauty and purity which are most commonly portrayed as feminine virtues. Little girls (and grown-up girls) love unicorns so it only makes sense. Essentially though, the story of the Last Unicorn only really works if she is female. Toward the end of the novel and the film she has to be turned into a human woman in order to be kept safe. She learns what it is like to be a mortal human with all of it’s messiness and wonderfulness. She learns to love and also becomes the only immortal unicorn who lives to regret. At the end of the story she is changed, but she is grateful for that change.

This is a modern fairy tale full of all the trademarks of the genre, beauty, goodness, truth, and redemption. What’s not to love? It’s up there with The Princess Bride as my favorite modern fantasy.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

ps. the film has music from the band America. Yes.

There are plenty of Disney Dudes I didn’t cover in my previous post so here we go.

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My chin could cut glass.

Kronk.

Let me just say, can I be your friend? If he is your favorite then you are possibly the coolest person ever and have excellent taste in men because Kronk is the ideal guy. Clearly you enjoy funny men with a sense of humor and interesting hobbies like playing exotic bird bingo and speaking squirrel. You enjoy a big strong guy who can make a great dinner and help you whip up that dish to pass on your way to the family barbecue. You’re looking for a good life partner and Kronk is the perfect choice. Just don’t ask him to mix the drinks.

peterpan

I wear tights, can fly and have a fairy friend whom I have placed permanently in the friend-zone. Such great boyfriend material.

Then again I do look pretty cool while sword-fighting. I'm like Jim Hawkins if he could fly.

Then again I do look pretty cool while sword-fighting. I’m like Jim Hawkins if he could fly

Peter Pan

You might have some dating issues on the horizon if not already. I guess he would make a good 12 year old crush but from an adult stand point? NO. Be honest with yourself, he doesn’t want to grow up. You clearly are interested in man-children who want to pal around in the woods with their bros and play video games or go larping in animal suits. You probably think Judd Apatow movies are about your life. You are ok with leggings as pants worn by any gender, clearly.

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Taking my art seriously. Basically the original hipster.

Roger

You go for the musician, artist type. Your favorite actor is probably Jason Segel. You enjoy gangly adorkable guys who are super into their craft but also super into you and your pets. You believe in love at first my dog literally set us up on a date. And you are ok when your significant other writes a song about how your old school friend is evil. Although how you did not realize this on your own is baffling.

Dedication.

Dedication personified.

Guy from Paperman

This guy is Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer, Jim Halpert, and Roger all rolled into one goofy package. He’s adorkable. He does everything to reconnect with the cute girl he fell for at the train. He’s the American ideal. You probably saw this short film before “Wreck-It Ralph” which means you haven’t given up hope on Disney films after “Princess and the Frog.” You probably grew up during the Disney Renaissance and still remember what Disney magic is like. This short film made you realize that magic wasn’t gone. Can we be friends?

I'm getting kinda fond of you kid.

I’m getting kinda fond of you kid.

Genie from Aladdin

You enjoy blue people and 90s comedians so you probably also have a crush on Megamind. You enjoy puns and celebrity impersonations. You think it is perfectly acceptable to wear Hawaiian shirts even when not on vacation or on the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You like your men to be able to provide you with every wish and flight of fancy you have as long as they love you for you and not because of a magic spell.

Boring capitalist. You can still find guys like me at upscale bars.

Boring capitalist. You can still find guys like me at upscale bars.

John Smith

You like beautiful people darn it and you don’t care if they’re racist or played by Mel Gibson. You don’t care if your boyfriends and potential love interests have any original thoughts. You are perfectly okay that they are a product of a controlling colonizing government who speak in buzzwords and phrases. You don’t care if they want to shoot every animal that walks if it looks unfamiliar to them. You probably thought Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad was a jolly good time. The horror.

Let's get down to business.

Let’s get down to business.

Li Shang

You don’t like messing around and you want to get down to business to defeat the huns. You enjoy when guys take things like training their army seriously. So you like guys who work hard. You also probably enjoy singing show tunes as if you suddenly had the voice of Donny Osmond. Your favorite Shakespeare play is Twelfth Night.